


Expect Me To Change

by CarpeDentum



Series: You can't expect me to just change [3]
Category: The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Feelings, Fluff, M/M, Stony - Freeform, Superhusbands, Unrequited, or so he thinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 05:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2610671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum/pseuds/CarpeDentum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony isn't happy with how life turned out without Steve. Steve is tired of waiting. Tony tries to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Expect Me To Change

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amethystina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethystina/gifts).



> Finally! Here is the happy ending to my series. After years. So my writing style has changed and the first part contradicts this a bit but I will change that when it feels convenient. This is most likely the end of this. Also this is the longest fanfiction I have ever written! So I'm proud of myself.
> 
> [Amethystina](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethystina/pseuds/Amethystina) was my fantastic beta who managed to get this mess of a fanfiction to be somewhat cohesive despite having been written over the course of about one and a half years, give or take a few days. All remaining mistakes are mine and mine alone.

It was raining outside. The pitter patter of rain against the big windows was both soothing and annoying all at once. Tony filled his mug with coffee again, he'd lost count of how many cups he'd had at this point, and sighed. There was an itchy feeling in his bones that he didn’t like. It wasn't an uncommon feeling but usually it went away if he did some tweaking on his inventions, or started on some new project. He'd tried but the itching just continued to the point where he couldn't focus. The coffee probably wasn't helping but it was better than whiskey. Or so he'd been told.

 

The apartment was empty save for him and Jarvis who quite frankly wasn't all that fun to hang out with right now. Tony reached for the remote for the TV and sank down on the couch as the big screen lit up, filling the otherwise dark room with pale light. Reruns of Sex and the City again. He changed the channel only to realize that reruns of Friends were just as bad. Tony pressed the mute button and put his untouched cup of coffee away as he rose from the couch. The screen showed Chandler and Rachel and it was even worse when you couldn't hear what they were saying.

 

The door to the balcony creaked slightly as he opened it and Tony made a mental note to take a look at that later. As soon as he was outside his body was assaulted by the cold drops, soaking through his shirt and jeans. His bare feet almost instantly became too cold for him to even feel them. But it stopped the itch. The cold and the rain stopped the itching beneath his skin and Tony felt like he could finally breathe.

 

He hadn't meant for things to go this way.

 

"How long have you been standing out here?" Pepper's voice broke through the calm in his mind and made Tony tense slightly. He loved Pepper, he really did, but the past months all she did was to give him that look. The one that told him she thought he was being more of an ass than usual.

 

"Not sure, Tony said and glanced down. There weren’t a dry spot on his body. "A while."

 

"A while? Do you want to get sick? Come inside or I'll lock the door and leave you out there." He didn't doubt that she would. In fact, he was fairly certain she had once when he was drunk and tried to kiss her even if they'd just broken up. He really could be an ass.

 

"Fine, fine," he muttered and padded inside, dripping water all over the floor and not caring.

 

"Now, get out of those clothes before you catch something." Tony watched Pepper turn the TV off and then started stripping where he stood, ignoring the way she rolled her eyes at him. It wasn't as if she'd never seen him sans clothes before. And now when she'd mentioned it he was really cold and wet and it was very uncomfortable. Tony carried everything into the bathroom, pointedly not listening to Pepper telling him he could have undressed in there to begin with. Once he was dry and dressed again he sat down on the lid of the toilet, just staring straight ahead.

 

"Tony, I know you are heartbroken but you can't mope around in here forever." Pepper had followed him and was leaning against the doorframe to the bathroom, looking at him with pity. He hated pity.

 

"I'm not heartbroken. I'm just in a funk," Tony replied and leaned back against the cool porcelain. "I have nothing to be heartbroken about."

 

"You and I both know that isn't entirely true. Steve hasn't…"

 

"No! He chose to leave. He's fine; we do not have to discuss him." And the way Pepper looked at him made Tony want to cry. But he didn't. Steve wasn't the problem. It wasn't as if what they'd had was a relationship. They'd fucked sometimes, slept together, actually sleeping and nothing else, sometimes. Of course he knew Steve had wanted more but that more wasn't something Tony was capable of giving. He'd tried it once with Pepper and that had obviously not turned out very well. So he wasn't going to put someone else, or himself, through that again. It was better this way. Besides, Steve hadn't tried to contact him once since he moved out and that was months ago so the whole thing was obviously a done chapter. Tony even vowed to himself to stop using his suit to fly over that café where Steve spent most of his afternoons drawing.

 

It was a done chapter for all of five more days. Tony had tried to pull himself together after that night when Pepper had ended up staying with him in the bathroom for three hours; making him tea when he'd started to shiver as he warmed up from standing in the rain for hours. Things weren't good, of course they weren't, but he was managing. And he was managing just fine all the way until the mail arrived. Most of the time Tony threw out everything that didn’t arrive in electronic form because it was seriously just a waste of space to keep sending papers. He even got as far as holding the mail out over the waste basket when he spotted a hand written envelope. Usually that didn’t make him read it because most of the time it was a fan letter that somehow got through the sorting, but the handwriting on this particular envelope was one he would recognize anywhere.

 

That one letter was saved and the rest went to meet an early grave. Tony tucked the white envelope in the breast pocket of his shirt and grabbed himself a cup of coffee, strolling as casually as he possibly could to his bedroom, which had once belonged to Steve, where he could find some semblance of peace.

 

The envelope itself was not very remarkable, he noted as he made himself comfortable on the bed. It was of that white, standard type you could find anywhere. The stamp was of the usual kind with some nonsense motif that didn't offend anyone. It didn't smell of anything special other than paper and it wasn't very heavy. The writing was in blue ink and curled in a much nicer way than Tony would manage. Mostly because he never really wrote by hand.

 

It wasn't possible to examine an envelope forever, but opening it turned out to be a lot harder than it should be. It was just a letter. Tony had received letters before and Pepper made him answer a few of his fan letters once in a while. This should be just like that; open the envelope, unfold the paper inside and read it. And possibly write a reply but he would have to see about that part. It really was that simple. So why were Tony's hands shaking?

 

Once he finally managed to open the damn thing, thirty minutes had passed since he shut himself in his bedroom. The paper inside the envelope was of a very standard notebook kind with blue lines and holes on the side. Tony unfolded it and just stared at the neat rows of letters for a while before he actually manned up and read it.

 

_Dear Tony,_

 

_I know that you probably don't want to hear from me now, considering the manner I left in and the reasons why I made that decision. But there were some things I didn't say and I feel like they need to be out in the open._

_First of all I want to tell you that I am sorry for all of this. I didn't mean for things to go this way and I tried for a long time to keep things on your terms. I am sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted me to; that I couldn't stop myself from longing for more._

_But to be fair, you hurt me too. I know that’s how things go when it comes to unrequited affections so it wasn't unexpected. That didn’t make anything hurt any less. Every time you called me Cap or Captain I was reminded that we wanted and needed vastly different things from our arrangement. I don't mind the nickname but to you I wanted to be Steve. I haven't been Steve to anyone in a very long time._

_I realize now that I was asking for too much and that things were never going to be that way between us. And that hurts too but now it's mostly my own stupidity doing the wounding. I just want you to know that I have never felt with anyone the way I did during the stolen moments I got to sleep in your arms._

_So, now you know. Or you would have if I'd had any intention of sending this to you. Someone told me that writing could help so it's what I'm doing. I hope this letter will be the last of it. And maybe I will send it one day but not now. Not yet. For now I will love you from a distance, hoping it will all go away._

 

_Yours always,_

_Steve Rogers_

 

Tony just stared at the words for a while before he shot up from the bed. Finding a piece of paper and a pen in this house turned out to be a lot more difficult than it should be but after fifteen minutes Tony returned to the room victorious. He scribbled hastily, before he lost the guts to do so, and then put the note in an envelope to go with the mail first thing in the morning.

 

_Dear Captain Steve,_

 

_that was by far the cheesiest letter I've ever read. It's a good thing you decided not to send it to me. I would've been horrified. It is almost right up there with Thor's taste in poetry._

 

_Yours,_

_Tony Stark_

 

A couple of days of silence followed and Tony tried to deny to himself that the itch that had died down when he got the first letter was starting to come back. He could only barely stop himself from calling Steve to ask if Tony's reply had gone through because he honestly didn't trust the snail mail system. Maybe it had been a bad idea to send a reply? It seemed like the letter from Steve hadn't been meant to reach him in the first place. Maybe this was for the best. It wasn't as if Tony knew what he wanted anyway. He couldn't do love, he'd tried that. But could Steve really be just a friend at this point? If they could, at least, work together, that would have to be enough.

 

Tony was woken from his musings by the sound of Pepper's heels. Most likely she was on her way to remind him of something he’d forgotten even if he had no idea what that could be. She didn't look mad when she found him, surprisingly enough. She simply handed over a letter with neat handwriting on.

 

"I met Steve today," she said as the only explanation and Tony supposed she didn't have to explain further; that was enough. "I'll go put some coffee on."

 

Pepper walked away and Tony took a deep breath and wasted no time before opening the letter this time. It looked about the same as last time. A little shorter but just as neat with the date and everything.

 

_Dear Tony,_

 

_I was surprised to see a handwritten letter from you. Mostly because I had no idea my letter had been sent. I suspect Thor took it upon himself to do it after visiting me last Monday. He seemed disappointed that you and I still weren’t on speaking terms and I’m sorry if my letter caused you any discomfort with its sentimental contents._

_Still, I am glad you wrote me back. It’s easier to speak this way, isn't it? I’m not sure why I’m writing you again but it feels like we have things we need to talk about._

_The Avengers, for example. I have had a vacation now and I feel ready to come back and offer my services again. Would that be okay with you? Would you feel awkward if I came back? Would it disrupt the team? I would of course not come back to the house. Not yet. One step at the time and I think we all need to get used to our new dynamics. If you’re willing to have me back._

 

_Yours sincerely,_

_Steve Rogers_

 

Well, that was formal. Tony sighed and reread the letter a dozen times before finding some paper of his own to scribble a quick note back on. He could send it with Pepper. She would make sure Steve got it soon.

 

_Dear Cap,_

 

_just come back. The team's been weird since you left anyway. And you love that tight suit of yours and I'd hate to keep it from you._

 

_Yours,_

_Tony_

 

Steve returned to the team after that. He didn't send any more letters about it but him showing up at all was enough for Tony. Things were still a little awkward and Tony could tell that even when they were both suited up Steve had a tendency to avoid being alone with him. But that was just how things would be from now on, he supposed. They still made a great team while out on the field and that would have to be counted as the most important part. Tony was glad that he had Steve around at all. The itch under his skin was almost gone. Almost.

 

There were nights when Tony found himself lying in bed and thinking of those first couple of times they'd shared a good night kiss and nothing else. He remembered how stiff Steve had been in the beginning until he learned that it was okay, it wasn't a joke and that Tony really did want to kiss him for no particular reason. Then again, Tony hadn't been able to keep it to just kissing for very long; he'd never been good at that. The surprise had been how on board Steve was. Now when Tony thought of it he was surprised that Steve had never told him to back off, that it would be weird because they were men or some other bullshit like that, which was something you would expect from someone who hadn't been awake since the 40's. Tony would have to ask Steve about that once they were friends again. Or whatever it was that they had been before.

 

__

 

Life sort of progressed like normal from that point. There were no more letters and after a while everyone got used to how things were now. Steve and Tony avoided each other in the house but worked well together in the field where they could ignore their real identities. And it could have worked out well that way if it wasn't for the fact that it wasn't enough for Tony. He tried to tell himself it was but half of the time it wasn't working.

Sitting on the balcony, soaking up the sun got old really quickly. The door was open and Tony could hear the sound of the TV from inside, making sure he knew the score of whatever game was on. Steve was watching and Tony knew exactly what he looked like without even seeing him. He'd be sitting on the edge of the couch, elbows on his knees as he leaned forward as if that would make him see better. He would have a small frown, pushing his eyebrows closer together. When his team scored the frown would smooth out and a small smile would appear for just a few seconds before it was gone again. Tony liked that Steve wasn't loud, didn't make much of a ruckus. Eventually Steve would lean back, feeling either content that his team was still good or annoyed that they weren't trying the best he knew they could. That seemed to be a thing with the Captain; he wanted people to do their best.

Tony shifted in the lawn chair and tried to relax, pushing the thoughts of Steve away. But it didn't go very well. It seemed to get harder and harder to not think about him and Tony had read the letters a million times. Well, he'd had them digitized first so he wouldn't accidentally tear them while drunk. Deep down he knew that he needed to go inside and talk to Steve and tell him about all his thoughts and feelings but Tony didn't want to. But then again, Steve had written in that first letter that he would love Tony from a distance and that had to mean that, well, he did love Tony. So telling Steve that he might possibly want to try the dating thing again shouldn't be so bad.

 

With another glass of whiskey to gather some courage and a deep breath Tony stood up, mentally preparing himself for how this conversation would pan out and then throwing all the plans to the wind. It'd be easier to just roll with the punches; he'd speak his mind and then things would be okay again.

 

"Cap… you have a minute?" His voice sounded too quiet in his own ears but Steve seemed to hear him. His frown deepened and Tony glanced over at the TV; seemed like one team was losing big time but he didn't have time to figure out which one. If he stalled he'd never do this.

 

"Sure, did something happen? Do I need to suit up?" Of course Steve would assume it was for business since it was the only reason they had spoken lately.

 

"Nah, let's stay here." Tony sat down on the other end of the couch. "I just wanted to tell you something. You know, I read your letters again."

 

"You kept them?" The surprise was obvious in Steve's voice.

 

"Yeah, but that's not important. I was just reading them and decided I needed to tell you this so just listen until I'm done." Maybe it wasn't necessary to sound so annoyed but if Steve kept interrupting him he would never say anything. "I think we should try not doing it from a distance, this thing we do. I mean, I'm right here and so are you so it'd make perfect sense for us to be here together. You know, stop this not talking bit and do more."

 

Tony trailed off and the silence settled nicely. It didn't feel heavy, not really. He was confident that he'd gotten things right this time. The evidence of that was in Steve's letter so all Tony felt really was a tense anticipation for what would come next.

 

"I… I don't think so, Tony."

 

"What?"

 

"I don't think we should do more. We work well together and that'll have to be enough." Steve stood up and while he looked tall even when Tony was standing up he seemed like a giant now. Surely some sort of misunderstanding had happened here.

 

"But you wrote that you love me. And here I am, ready to be loved," Tony protested, not managing to get the information he'd based this whole operation on and what Steve was telling him to match.

 

"Sometimes things happen too late. And you're too late, Tony."

 

"But that's hardly fair, I-" Tony didn't have time to say more than that before Steve gave him an apologetic smile, said goodnight and left. The TV flickered as the game ended and some commercial with bright colors was shown instead. That was not how this had been supposed to go. Steve was supposed to think that Tony was stupid for getting his shit together so late but then forgive him, not decide that he didn't want Tony anymore. Now what?

 

Well, now he needed to let this go and realize he just wasn't supposed to have healthy relationships. Made sense really, since there was nothing healthy about his life style. He did drink less now when he'd gotten comfortable with The Avengers but that didn't amount to much.

 

Fuck his life.

 

__

 

Watching Steve go about his life while maintaining some distance proved to be very annoying. Especially since it seemed like Steve had relaxed considerably since their talk, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulder. That did not sit well with Tony one bit. And the data continued to be incredibly confusing. Because while the Cap was always very polite with everyone he did seem to look and speak more softly to Tony than anyone else. How could that not mean there was still something there? But this time the truth Tony based his decisions on was that Steve didn't love him any longer so things still weren't adding up.

  
Tony hated when data didn't add up. He needed to regroup and what better place to do it than down in his safe haven with the AI that had always had his back. Okay, so Dummy wasn't ideal but Jarvis would do. Said and done he went and locked himself in among his tools, instructed Jarvis not to let anyone in and then opened a document that he labeled ‘Battle Plan'. He made a column for known facts, one for goals and possible challenges and then one for ideas and solutions. The first two were easy to fill with things like ‘Steve keeps looking at me like he is in love', ‘Goal is to find eternal happiness and love with one Steve Rogers and also have mad sex every night' and ‘Sadly Steve rejected my magnificent self'. The tricky bit came when it was time to find something that would solve all this.

 

"Sir, would you require any assistance in wooing Mr. Rogers?" Jarvis' voice woke Tony up from his musings. "I cannot help but overhear what you are typing."

 

"So you're snooping?"

 

"No, sir, you did not revoke my access to this particular document."

 

"Whatever." Tony huffed and wrote down another goal; ‘Make Steve smile'. And then he deleted it again because could it get any sappier than that?

 

"That would be a good way to start, sir," Jarvis interrupted again.

 

"What would be?" Tony sighed.

  
"Making Mr. Rogers smile." Tony hated when Jarvis was right. Well, mostly he loved that Jarvis was right but not when it meant Tony would feel like a fool. "A quick search on your favored search engine shows that the quality most are looking for in a partner is someone who makes them smile."

 

It made sense, of course it did. And Steve smiling was a really nice thing. Tony sighed and stared at the document he'd just written. There wasn't much on it but it gave him a lot to think about. It wasn't easy to formulate a plan when the thought that maybe Steve actually didn't want him spun around his mind. Maybe he would never want him. But Tony figured that he could at least try to apologize.

 

"Show me the letters again," he sighed and looked up as they appeared on the screen. He knew them by heart, there were only two of them after all, but he still liked just looking at them. This time he stared at them as if he hoped the answer on what to do now would jump at him from the words scribbled neatly on paper. But this data was old, wasn't it? Steve had told him so. And now he was thinking in circles. Maybe he just needed to accept the fact that he'd been too slow, lost any chance of being with Steve, move on and start acting like normal. It seemed more and more like the best course of action until something hit Tony over the head.

 

"Dummy, I swear to god I'll pull the plug on you," Tony hissed and rubbed the back of his head. He looked up at the bot that seemed stupid but was probably plotting Tony's demise. It was also holding something small and square and pink. Post-it notes. "Where did you get that? I don't use those… Did Steve leave them in here? Or Pepper? Doesn't matter, stop waving them in my face!"

 

"Maybe he is trying to tell you something, sir." Jarvis made the battle between man and AI stop momentarily.

 

"What would he try to tell me by hitting me with sticky notes?" Tony said and yanked the pad of paper from Dummy, glaring at the bot for good measure. "It's not like I ever write anything on those. Only time I used one is for one of the notes for-oh! Oh, oh, oh!"

 

Tony jumped up from his seat, Post-its still in hand, searching for a pen using the strategy of pushing a lot of stuff around until it magically appeared. The green ink pen in his hand actually worked even if it seemed like it had been buried under a pile of nuts and bolts for at least a decade. He had no idea what to write or exactly what he thought would be the result but it still seemed like a good idea since him and Steve obviously couldn't communicate when in the same room. Usually they just ended up arguing if they tried to talk about anything that wasn't just normal pleasantries and those weren't exactly Tony's forte. He had Pepper for that.

 

"Jarvis! What do you write to someone you could possibly be very much in love with but who just sees you as a coworker and possibly a friend?" Staring at the paper didn't help much, it just glared back at him and he ended up drawing a crude engine on it to make it stop. But he doubted Steve wanted that so he threw it away.

 

"I think that you better come up with something yourself, sir," Jarvis said eventually and that really didn't help much. "One would think Mr. Rogers prefers your own words rather than anything I can find."

 

"I hate it when you make sense," Tony muttered and put the square of papers on a desk and leaned down over it, writing as elegantly as he could. Which really meant it was barely legible. It simply said _Good morning!_ It was simple yet conveyed a friendly air and friends was what they needed to be if they couldn't be anything else. Tony felt pleased with his work, took the note, the pad and the pen and went upstairs to find a place to put the message so Steve would see it. His first thought was the bedroom door but that was stupid because Steve didn't look at the outside of it until he returned in the evenings and Tony couldn't put it on the inside because he'd checked the time and it was super early in the morning and Steve would soon wake up and Tony would rather not be caught inside the man's room like that. Maybe the bathroom? But Steve's room had an en-suite so there was no reason for him to use the shared one.

 

"The morning paper, sir. It just arrived." Tony frowned and looked up to where he knew the closest camera was. Jarvis wasn't a human with eyes but Tony still liked to frown at what represented his face.

  
"I never read the morning papers in the morning. I get it last. After Steve, Clint, Natasha and I bet even Thor reads it before me," he muttered but went to pick the paper from just outside the door anyway so it at least waited for Steve in the kitchen. Tony put it on the table and tried to decide between making coffee and just giving up and going to bed. He did need sleep sometimes after all. He was about to grab a clean looking mug and go for coffee when it hit him. Steve read the papers first every morning and he read them thoroughly. A Post-it stuck to the sports wouldn't go unnoticed and would surely be removed before anyone else had time to see it. Tony opened the newspaper and flipped through it, settling for an article about some marathon or other. When he was done he folded the paper again and looked at the mug left on the counter. Did he really want to be here when Steve found it? Sleep it was then.

 

__

 

When Tony woke up next afternoon, or early evening depending on who you asked, he wasn't hung over or in pain. So it had to be considered having all the makings of a great day. He slid out of bed and quickly got dressed. He felt eager and itchy as he moved towards the kitchen. It wasn't as if he expected to find anything there besides maybe some of the others. There always seemed to be someone making coffee or a sandwich in the house. And just as he suspected one of his fellow Avengers was busy getting ice cream. Steve. Tony looked at him for a long time, long enough for it to apparently come to Steve's attention. The blond looked up and they just stared at each other for a short while.

 

"Ice cream?" Tony blinked and looked at the bowl stretched out to him and then nodded.

 

"Yeah, thanks." It was vanilla and in desperate need of sprinkles or something so Tony busied himself with finding some and covering the ice cream with it. When he looked up again Steve was on his way out of the kitchen but just before he left he smiled back at Tony.

 

"Have a nice day." And maybe Tony smiled back in a way that was just a bit goofy. But there really were no other possible ways to smile when you had a mouthful of ice cream and chocolate sprinkles. As soon as Steve had left the kitchen Tony put the bowl away and rushed over to the paper left on the kitchen island. No note was to be found even if Tony flipped through the pages several times. Steve had seen the note and he had clearly understood it came from Tony since he'd been a lot less distant now. Sure, Tony was certain Steve spoke more warmly when addressing him than he did with the others but there had still been a certain distance. A distance that was gone today so something must have changed and the only thing Tony could think of was the note he'd written.

 

"Did you take a sudden interest in the news?" Tony turned around to face Clint who was holding a hand out expectantly. "Because I'd like to read that one before you rip it to pieces."

 

Tony hadn't even noticed how hard he was gripping the paper. He released it and let Clint take it before he started walking quickly towards the elevator.

 

"Hey! Can I eat your ice cream?" Clint called after him and Tony just made a noncommittal wave over his shoulder. Who cared about ice cream when they had notes to write?

 

__

 

It had taken some time but by sundown Tony found himself sitting in his lab, about a hundred little notes strewn around him in various colors. Steve never came down there anymore so it wouldn't be a problem to keep them there and sort of sneak them out to various places in the house just a few at the time. Now he simply needed to decide where to start. He didn't want to put something out that was too much too quickly. It had to be reasonable steps up from his good morning note to some of the more detailed once he had written.

 

In the end Tony chose five notes. A good night one that he put on Steve's pillow while the man was out for a run. The one wishing him a nice meal he put on the inside of the lid for a box of left over pizza and then he wrote Belongs to Cap. S. Rogers on it so it'd be obvious that it was him who had left it there. The third was a simple _I like the way you look in white t-shirts_ taped to the mirror in the bathroom connected to Steve's bedroom. A note stating that Tony also liked his pancakes was ultimately placed inside Steve's leather jacket and the last one was just a note stating that Tony had ordered a new backlight for Steve's bike and that he promised to change it as soon as it arrived like he had promised when Steve moved back in. He put that one on the fridge because for all everyone else knew it could just be an ordinary note that Tony would have written anyway. If Tony did hand written notes. But he was sure no one would notice. All notes were suitably innocent and friendly, just a way to show he was still interested and wanted things to be okay between them. Tony was the master of flirtation, surely he could flirt some with the man he intended to make an effort for?

 

__

 

There were a few days when nothing happened. Tony saw that the note on the fridge and the entire pizza box were gone. He didn't check for the rest, assuming Steve had seen the ones in his rooms and jacket. Something that was pretty much confirmed when Tony stumbled into the kitchen one morning and was greeted by the smell of pancakes. Steve was standing there in a white t-shirt, making pancakes. He did wear other things too but that wasn't relevant at the time.

 

"Hey." Did Steve sound friendlier than usual or was that just Tony? It was probably just Tony. Didn't mean it felt any less nice. "I thought we could eat breakfast together today but everyone else has gone out already so I decided I'd make pancakes for you and me."

 

And that would have been a perfectly plausible story if it hadn't been closer to noon and Tony usually was the only one to eat breakfast at this hour if he ate at all. And didn't that just make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It was strange really, to feel like that. He hadn't for a very long time, not since the beginning with Pepper.

 

"Thanks, I'm starving," Tony said as he sat down, going for casually nice about it. He didn't know how well he was doing with that but hopefully it was good enough. "And they smell good too. Is that apple cinnamon?"

 

"Yeah, I thought, hold on-" Steve flipped the last pancake and glanced back at Tony. "-they taste nice and it's a bit more fancy than regular pancakes."

 

"I am not complaining," Tony said with a grin as two plates of pancakes were placed on the table, closely followed by two mugs of coffee. Steve really knew how to make a proper breakfast. "These are really great."

 

The smile that statement drew from Steve made Tony vow that if the man ever fell back in love with Tony, he would make an effort to be a much better boyfriend. More worthy. He felt so tired of fucking everything up every single time he tried to be a good man. But surely if he just made more of an effort he could turn this around and make things good again.

 

__

 

After that it felt easy to place notes all over the house. Tony even stopped caring if any of the others would notice them because if they saw more than one it would become obvious they were for Cap. Sure, _I think your ass is cute in your uniform_ , could technically be about some of the others as well but the drawing of a round shield with a star beside the text sort of made it overly obvious who it was meant for. Tony was not leaving anything unclear this time. Sure, most of the notes were harmless things, talking about things he liked about Steve but Tony knew that the captain needed more than that. Tony needed to show that he was ready to commit, that he really had changed. So once in a while he stuck a note up where he'd written about things he knew he'd done wrong last time and was willing to work on. And maybe he was also trying to show he'd changed by drinking a little less, working a little less, eating a little more and other small things like that. And he knew Steve noticed, could see it in the way the man carried himself around Tony and how when they spoke it was a little less "Have you eaten today?" followed by a "No, busy." and a little more "Want to catch a movie?" with the reply being "Sure, but I'm not watching Gone with the Wind again." Their relationship all in all was a lot more comfortable than it had ever been before.

 

So it wasn't much of a surprise when Steve showed up in the doorway to Tony's bedroom one night, two months after the first note. He carried a notebook with him but seemed otherwise unarmed. Tony had kept his bedroom door open until he went to bed for weeks now, just in case Steve wanted to talk to him about something but he'd also put up the last note earlier that day and it simply said _We need to talk_. Apparently Steve agreed with that.

 

"So…" Tony started and put his tablet down on the bedside table. He watched Steve move over to the bed and sit down by the foot of the bed. "I'm guessing you got my note."

 

"Yes," Steve said with an amused smile, "I got your notes." He held up the notebook in his hand and then opened it so Tony could see the Post-its of varying color neatly taped into it. Page after page of them. So Steve had probably found them all. Not that Tony had made much of an effort to hide them. The whole point had been to communicate his thoughts and feelings to Steve and that wouldn't have worked at all if he'd hidden the notes too well.

 

"Well, then you know where I'm at." Tony had made sure to be very clear about that. He'd put out notes that said thing's like _I really really want to try again_ and _I might still be in love with you_ closely followed by a _Okay, I know I'm still in love with you_. He'd been about as clear with his own feelings as he possibly could.

 

"I do. And I would have given my reply earlier if I had known myself what I wanted." Steve’s voice was impossible to decipher and Tony didn’t like it one bit. He wanted to know already. This was some serious American Idol shit, waiting forever to say the bits that were important. Tony needed to know if he was in or out and could leave the runway. And maybe that wasn’t American Idol but all those shows were the same anyway.

 

“And?” Tony said as he crawled down to join Steve at his end of the bed.

 

“Eager?” Steve said, clearly amused but Tony did not feel like laughing in a situation like this one.

 

“Yes, dammit. I’m waiting for the love of my pathetic little life to tell me if he might fancy me too. Stop being an ass about it.” Tony could be very eloquent when he had to but it really wasn’t him and he knew he didn’t have to be with Steve. He would be understood anyway.

 

“The reason I said it was too late wasn’t because I don’t love you anymore, Steve started in that tone that meant he didn’t want Tony to interrupt. So for once Tony figured he could honor that. “I just didn’t see any change in you. Not really. And I just couldn’t go back to what we had back then. It was rubbish and you know it. Sure, the sex was fantastic but honestly, Tony, it wouldn’t have lasted forever even if I hadn’t wanted more. And I doubted you would ever be ready to really try. Even when I got the first notes, they made me… happy, but I still didn’t believe you changed. And now you’ve been persistent for months, showing me that you really want this so…”

 

The pause that followed almost killed Tony. And he would take Steve down with him if he had to. In reality the pause wasn’t longer than it took to choose a word to follow up the ones Steve had just said but to Tony it seemed like a small eternity.

 

“So I think we should try again. But only if you take it seriously. I don’t mean you should work less or talk feelings more because that’s not you. But I want to know you’re in this for the same reasons I am.” Their gazes locked and Tony realized that it wasn’t Steve who hadn’t been looking at him but Tony that had been focusing on everything but the other man’s eyes. They made him nervous. Eyes shouldn’t be allowed to be that blue and soulful or some crap like that.

 

“I am.” Tony heard his voice say the words. “I am in it for the same reasons. We’re on the same page here, Cap.”

 

And just like that the tension in Steve’s shoulders seemed to disappear and Tony felt a similar change in himself. It was as if all the worries and the tension he’d carried around for months was gone. Now he just felt tired, bone tired. But Steve had said he loved Tony and Tony had admitted to feeling the same. They would be fine. Tony knew love alone didn’t cut it; he’d made that mistake with Pepper but he also knew that Pepper and Steve had vastly different needs in a partner. And he thought that maybe he suited Steve better. He hoped he did. He was going to make sure he did.

 

“So, we’re cool?” Tony asked, just to be sure, and smiled widely when Steve nodded. He probably looked like a twelve year old with that grin. A twelve year old with facial hair. But he didn’t care! Tony was an adult and could smile as wide as he liked. Besides, it caused a smile on Steve’s lips as well so it was worth it. Tony couldn’t help himself now when he was finally allowed to again so he leaned forward to press his smile against Steve’s smile and not so sneakily turned it into a kiss. Not that Steve seemed to mind. In fact, he was on board right away and shifted to stretch out on the bed, pulling Tony down with him. It would have been so easy to fall right back into the frantic touches they would have shared a year ago but Tony made an effort not to go there. And he suspected Steve appreciated that judging by the smiles that kept quirking the corners of his lips upwards. It was all perfect right up until the point Tony yawned.

 

“God, sorry,” he said with a laugh as he pulled back from Steve. “All this tension wore me out. Some of us need more than four hours of sleep every night.”

 

“We could go to bed. And sleep,” Steve suggested and Tony felt that he was totally on board with that idea. So he got up and started undressing, dropping his clothes where he stood so he could quickly crawl in under the covers.

 

“You coming?” he asked when he saw Steve just standing awkwardly by the bed, looking like he didn’t know if he was supposed to stay or go. The warm and gooey feeling Tony got from Steve’s answering smile was a little ridiculous but nice all the same and he burrowed down under the sheets as he watched the other man undress. Once Steve was in bed as well Tony finally told JARVIS to cut the lights. This was nice; this was a fantastic new beginning.


End file.
